colonoscopies and other yummy topics

  I came home from work tonight to find my arch nemesis here... That is my niece, Irelyn.  My grandma thinks the sun shines out of that kid's ass and it makes me insane.  I could shit myself too and nobody would find me to be adorable.  Anyway, we all made the typical "goo-goo" faces and watched in adoration as she tossed food off her plate and into our hair.  When she finally left my gram decided it was grown up time and she could pay attention to me.  OH JOY!!!

  So she asked about my doctor's appointment tomorrow and told me to urge my doctor to order me a colonoscopy.  She said "You will really like it" and I wondered when I gave her the impression that I like things shoved up my ass.  Seriously... Do I come off as a total freak or something? Who likes having a camera shoved up their rectum?  If you like it, feel free to comment.  She went on to explain that it's not exactly the probing that is so nice, it's the drugs.  Yes, my 70-year-old grandmother is telling me how great it is to get stoned before being probed in the butt.  I told her I'll talk to the doctor, but I am not happy about it.  I don't care how good the drugs are, I think all people should stay away from my ass.  This is mainly because I fart more than any man I know.  I don't know what it is that makes me such a gas-filled person, but I am pretty sure I got it from my mother. 

 I will forever be scarred by the memory of my mother telling me to run through Target, because her fart was following us.  So I ran like the wind and didn't look back.  Sometime around my Junior year of high school I started farting when I was nervous and it happened a lot when I had to take tests.  I sucked at all things Science and so I was extremely nervous during a chemistry test.  I also sat next to a hot 12th grade boy in that class.  To avoid the horrible scene of him looking at me in disgust while I let them rip, I decided to take one of my mother's Gas X pills before the test.  I was two minutes into the test before I realized that the pills were making my gas worse.  I dropped out of school that same year.  Coincidence?  I think not...

 I'm not saying I constantly fart, but I do it enough where I am pretty sure that it's not safe to be back there.  I am probably sharing a little more than I should tonight, but oh well.  We all eat, shit, fart and sleep.  Just because I am a woman doesn't mean I should do any of those things less.